there is always tomorrow, but only in theory!

Those of you who've read the lengthy crib about my late submission know whats on my mind today. A bad day always makes you think about your life in the bigger picture. thats just what i did and it didnt quite leave me better off from whr i started. My biggest concern right now is my utter failure at good time management. For the first time in my life, I feel like Im doing sumthing for a purpose. that is postgraduate to me.Ive always been the average student and my parents have never pushed me for better grades..bless them for that!The reason i give for being average is my I-don'-really-care attitude.But I'd always known I could do better if i wanted to. High school was a joke, undergrad was fun n easy cruisin, but post grad, as i discover every single day is the raw deal and I want to do good. I find myself again,for the first time, actually worrying about grades and the contents of my study and how it will help me in my career.Thats a good start one might think. and it is. But the scary bit is that now that im trying to do well, things aren't quite working out the way it should. So my fallback factor and comfort of "I can do better if i really want to" has turned into shaky grounds.I am doubting my own capability and that sucks.
I cannot, at this point, seem to manage my weekly readings let alone all the extra readings that is neseccary for my course.I probably feel the need to do really well coz of all money it took to get me here! Everytime I call home for money, dad gets a new wrinkle. Its not comforting to think I'd waste it all and nothing substantial would come out of it.That's a thought enough to fuel nightmares for a month.
But then again, I still think I'm really not trying hard enough. Is that what all incapable people say for a peace of mind?? I really should not start branding self as incapable. Not exactly the best confidence booster around. But i will try harder...stop being such a lazy pig, and get my act together. Post grad?? Sure. Research and 9 to 5's jobs?? Why not!! Bring it on. I feel better already.